BRCA1 and BRCA2....love and death.

For those of you who just drop by here, you may not know this....my momma died nearly 19 years ago from breast cancer that metastasized to her brain at the age of just 37.

This year, I made the resolve to bite the bullet and get genetically tested to see if I carry the BRCA1 or BRCA2 gene mutation (a.k.a. the breast cancer gene). I am relieved to say I do not. I got my results today. There is a strong familial history of breast cancer as well as Ashkenazi Jewish heritage in my family which puts me at risk as well.

Now, while I am relieved...my heart is broken...it's like I needed to know that was what killed mom....and now, I still have no answers as to why she was so sick, so young. I was totally prepared to walk the same mile some of my friends have, and weirdly, maybe I'd even feel better if I had too.

The anxiety is gone but I am laden with some weird pain now, I don't really know how to describe it. Mom is still gone, nothing will change that....I guess it would just be easier to know she died so young because of mutant genes and not just "because".  ****logically, I know she could have had the mutation, but if I did, then it would have been concrete in my mind****

I know I am blessed and I am elated that I don't carry the mutation(s). But, this has hit me straight out of left field. All I can think is, "WHY????????"

Why mom?
Why not some one else?
Why my mom?
Why do my memories of her have to be clouded with sickness?
Why can I not remember fun-loving Chit like my Aunt Sue does?
Why her?
WHY THE HELL HER!!!!!!!!!!???????

Right now, I am just plan hurt, angry and sad. Mom is dead and we are just as baffled today, nearly 19 years later as we were the day she died and we didn't know what had killed her. I know what killed her, brain cancer did. I want to know why??? Old wounds don't heal, heartaches don't fade, longing to hear her voice never changes, wanting to see her with her grandbabies is ever present. I hate it. She'd be such a great, loving, fun, involved grandma.

CANCER CAN SUCK OFF.......I HATE YOU, CANCER!!!!!!!! YOU STOLE MY MOM. YOU STOLE MY BABIES GRANDMA. I PLAIN, FLAT OUT, HATE YOU. I HOPE ONE DAY MODERN MEDICINE KILLS YOU, CANCER, BECAUSE YOU DESERVE TO DIE.

Milestones

Milestones....every mother's fear and joy all wrapped up into one package when it comes to her babies.

Jared was a bit late with many of his physical developmental milestones but way, WAY ahead on his cognitive/speech development ones.

Joseph and Jackson were right along side one another, for the most part, until Jackson started walking and then............whoa! that gap widened.

Jadon--is a rockstar in how far that shell-shocked baby was when we brought him home.

Now, another milestone is creeping around our door.

Joseph is about to lose his first tooth or maybe teeth. His two front bottom teeth are loose and out of alignment; big-time, now. His permanent tooth is coming in well behind the baby teeth. His mouth is incredibly crowded to say the least. And I just cannot seem to wrap my brain around the fact that he is losing teeth.

My wee boy, nearly 6, but small in stature and delayed in speech is losing his teeth!!!!!! Whhhhhhaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!!! I wanna cry.

The difference between him and his younger, bigger, twin brother are markedly different. Jackson has a good 7 inches of height on Joseph. He's moving right along in kindergarten, never seems to stop talking and can play SkipBo Jr with daddy. Joseph??? well, he struggles to make a sentence and his speech is often garbled and unintelligible to just about anyone, he's still in preschool and we play trains to this very day.

Milestones are a funny thing. I've never really meandered over them for long. It is funny how in my mind's eye I see Joseph and how, chronologically, he is much older and gaining time on me with each passing moment. All my boys are....crazy how it took one silly chromosome to change the whole paradigm.




"I will go before you and will level the mountains; I will break down gates of bronze and cut through bars of iron. I will give you hidden treasures, riches stored in secret places, so that you may know that I am the LORD, the God of Israel, who summons you by name." Isaiah 45:2-3 (NIV)

I don't wanna

I don't want for a lot in life...and at times, I just don't want period.

Right now, I don't want my heart heavy with the burden of orphans left behind.

I don't want to cook lunch.

I don't want to clean.

I don't want to do coursework.

I don't want to do a lot.

What I really, really, really don't want is to see this child's life wasted in the institution he has resided in for about half of his precious life.

**disclaimer....this may or may not be Heath, I fully believe it is. The picture was taken in 2010**

Heath is an orphan listed on the Reece's Rainbow website. He will be 12 in a matter of months. He was born with Down syndrome. His needs are great. He will needs lots of love and patience. He may or may not walk. He may or may not exhibit institutional behaviors.

What I do know is this. He is a child, tossed away by society and left. He is tiny. He has a full grant. He has people championing for him. I know he needs a shot at life outside of the confines he knows. I know it will take just ONE family willing to step out and trust he is their child. I know whoever this family is (and it must be a family per the country requirements for where he is) they are out there. I hope that one of us knows them and we can help them find their boy.

Speak up. Share. Pray. Wish. Dream. Realize. Love. Push. Move. 

Do just one thing, please, because I don't wanna see him lost forever. 

You can read more about Heath here at Julia's blog http://covenantbuilders.blogspot.com/2013/02/heath-is-still-lost.html

 "I will go before you and will level the mountains; I will break down gates of bronze and cut through bars of iron. I will give you hidden treasures, riches stored in secret places, so that you may know that I am the LORD, the God of Israel, who summons you by name." Isaiah 45:2-3 (NIV)

Doing what I do

This month, a gal I graduated high school with asked me to hold a Scentsy party in her home. I happily agreed and the party commenced. I love doing what I do. I love the platform I have to share HOW and WHY Scentsy and Stephanie H. came into my life.

I share why I fundraise and why I donate my commission each month. This is NOT about me. This is about awareness. This is about paying it forward. This is about gratitude and long-suffering for those who are left behind and for those families willing to forge ahead in the face of doubt and looming fees to complete an international adoption.

Since November I have supported orphans--this is different than my usual stance which is to only help adopting families that are IN process presently. However, Miss Maggie has stolen my heart, squeezed it and helped me to see the need to place these children's faces OUT THERE in the world and raise money for their funds so that, in all honesty, they will get more consideration because their funds will be larger than some...hopefully.

Please, make no mistake...you all humble me to help me the way you do by supporting my Scentsy store so that I can donate to these children and families. This is not about me. It's all about them and the blessings I can share.


Thank you.





 "I will go before you and will level the mountains; I will break down gates of bronze and cut through bars of iron. I will give you hidden treasures, riches stored in secret places, so that you may know that I am the LORD, the God of Israel, who summons you by name." Isaiah 45:2-3 (NIV)