This year, I made the resolve to bite the bullet and get genetically tested to see if I carry the BRCA1 or BRCA2 gene mutation (a.k.a. the breast cancer gene). I am relieved to say I do not. I got my results today. There is a strong familial history of breast cancer as well as Ashkenazi Jewish heritage in my family which puts me at risk as well.
Now, while I am relieved...my heart is broken...it's like I needed to know that was what killed mom....and now, I still have no answers as to why she was so sick, so young. I was totally prepared to walk the same mile some of my friends have, and weirdly, maybe I'd even feel better if I had too.
The anxiety is gone but I am laden with some weird pain now, I don't really know how to describe it. Mom is still gone, nothing will change that....I guess it would just be easier to know she died so young because of mutant genes and not just "because". ****logically, I know she could have had the mutation, but if I did, then it would have been concrete in my mind****
I know I am blessed and I am elated that I don't carry the mutation(s). But, this has hit me straight out of left field. All I can think is, "WHY????????"
Why mom?
Why not some one else?
Why my mom?
Why do my memories of her have to be clouded with sickness?
Why can I not remember fun-loving Chit like my Aunt Sue does?
Why her?
WHY THE HELL HER!!!!!!!!!!???????
Right now, I am just plan hurt, angry and sad. Mom is dead and we are just as baffled today, nearly 19 years later as we were the day she died and we didn't know what had killed her. I know what killed her, brain cancer did. I want to know why??? Old wounds don't heal, heartaches don't fade, longing to hear her voice never changes, wanting to see her with her grandbabies is ever present. I hate it. She'd be such a great, loving, fun, involved grandma.
CANCER CAN SUCK OFF.......I HATE YOU, CANCER!!!!!!!! YOU STOLE MY MOM. YOU STOLE MY BABIES GRANDMA. I PLAIN, FLAT OUT, HATE YOU. I HOPE ONE DAY MODERN MEDICINE KILLS YOU, CANCER, BECAUSE YOU DESERVE TO DIE.
7 comments:
Oh Christie,
I can so relate to this entry. My mom died from cancer 17 years ago. She had four kids and was only 42 years old. The youngest child was 7 and I was 16.
The only pain I can imagine as worse would be losing a child.
From one motherless daughter to another, I'm so sorry for your loss, your children's loss of their grandma, and the million times it hurts all over again.
(I am overjoyed for you that your testing was negative.)
I too, am thankful your tests were negative. I'm sorry for the pain you feel regarding your moms death. My mom died in 2005 but she was 69. I hope and pray you get answers... and peace.
I am so happy you are negative.
Having lost my mom to smoking related causes, I always have felt a weird gratitude (go with me here...) that I knew what my mother did contributed to her death. Left me angry and sad, but there was a clear explanation.
As for cancer, it totally sucks. I have lived my life in fear of the C-word and last year my husband was diagnosed at age 42 with non-aggressive prostate cancer. Next week, after lots of scone and third opinions being sought, he will have his prostate out on March 12th. 43 years old. He will live a long life, but he has to face some basic re-learning of basic functions in the next six months. Cancer stinks. It terrifies and upsets, it steals and it is a rotten thing.
I have written to you before in a comment about how you pray and your answer was so wonderful. Can I be so bold as to ask for your prayers next week and in the coming weeks for my husband? I sure would appreciate it!
As for your news and your loss, I am realizing that cancer does force us to get very current and see how beautiful life is, whether it takes from us or whether we survive it.
Much love,
Jane
a reader/mom in OR
Jane, you got it :) prayers coming up
Thank you ladies
So thankful you are not a carrier of the gene.
Hugs and love to you although I know it can never fill that mama gap you have in your heart.
Yep, cancer sucks I can relate!
Love ya
I had the DNA testing done and I do have the BRCA1 gene. My 2 aunts, 2 cousins and great grandmother all died of ovarian cancer. I am thankful that I did find out. I have annual MRIs and mammograms. I also had a total hysterectomy. So few people have perfect bodies - I'm one of the masses. I know you lost your mom very young - moms are indispensable!
I do have the BRCA1 gene. I have lost aunts, cousins and my grandmother to ovarian cancer. In our family, 5 out of 7 have the gene. Did it change my world when I found out? Of course. We all had to have hysterectomies and now are under careful screening. I also realize that we live in a fallen, broken world. We are mortals. There is so much pain - the pain of missing our parents and others we hold so dear. The pain of seeing children neglected and abused. The list is miles long. I see life as a tapestry - on this earth I can only see the wrong side of the tapestry and by God's grace, when I'm in heaven I will see the other side. Right now I will not get answers to all of my questions. I do know that God is in control - I can rest in that. Thinking of you and wishing you the peace in these troubled situations.
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