Bringing Another Home

Adoption...the one thing, I NEVER, in a million years, would have thought adoption would TIE me to a world full of people I never knew beforehand. In all my naivety, I would not have dreamed this would have been my walk in life--never mind me raising two children with Down syndrome as well.

I never wanted children. That's right, never. Didn't want to mother little beings and bring them up in this world. One child, born to another woman, changed that all for me--he just graduated. I became pregnant, unexpectedly, with my first born after a difficult miscarriage.

Jared set me full on the path of motherhood. And, I was content. Happy. Ecstatic to raise just one child when my marriage fell apart. I was a single mom. Something I never wanted to be either. Yet, I did it and I did it well with the support of loving friends and family. Then came the twins, Down syndrome, and adoption.

Adoption. 

There is a HUGE gift in mothering in such a manner and I want to share with you a quote, I do not know who coined it.

"Children born to another woman call me 'Mom'. 

The magnitude of that tragedy and the depth
 of that privilege are not lost on me.''

Where am I going with this? Well, Down syndrome and adoption have tied me to a woman I have never met (I will someday) and she is adopting her 3rd son with Down syndrome. Did you catch that? Her 3rd son, born with Down syndrome.

I am not going to try and make Nykki sound like a saint. I will not make her out to be some WonderMom or SuperYoga-Hero (but I am pretty darn sure she is both). I will say this, she is a mom with a heart for her boys. The videos, the pictures, the love I see in her face in the pictures when the boys were first laid in her arms is magical. She loves those two with all her being, and it is apparent, y'all and her heart is hungry for her third son.

She chose to mother children, like my sons, born with Down syndrome. She chose to adopt. She chose motherhood--I tried to run from it :)  She is a ROCKSTAR in my book. We are in stark contrast of one another in many ways...but that doesn't matter, because at the end of the day. We are tied, she and I. Oddly, magically, wondrously tied by an extra chromosome and adoption.

Please, help Nykki fund raise to alleviate the financial burden that accompanies adopting. Elliott will be home in about 6 months from what I understand. The matching process was fast, the paperwork has been set in motion. Soon she will travel to bring him home, forever. 

Home to a family that will LOVE him unconditionally, rear him to love all, and teach him what love and acceptance, on every level, is really all about. I am proud to "know" Nykki P. and I hope that you will help her in this journey to bring Elliott home. Please click on his picture to donate to her funding site.

 "I will go before you and will level the mountains; I will break down gates of bronze and cut through bars of iron. I will give you hidden treasures, riches stored in secret places, so that you may know that I am the LORD, the God of Israel, who summons you by name." Isaiah 45:2-3 (NIV)

Mothering and that maternal instinct I don't have

The family is a whirlwind today. We have officially finished this school year and (I) am eagerly awaiting August 13th for school to start back up.

I am going to be painfully honest here. I like when my children are apart from me, learning, growing, living, experiencing life. I like when I don't have them underfoot 24/7. Mothering is hard. Mothering is not, never has been, my first choice for me in life. I had children and I took the back, furthest back, barely warm, burner for myself. That's what good moms do, right?

Wrong. At least that's what I think. Wrong. And, I? I was nearly dead wrong. I let everything about me go. My mental state, my weight, my health...all.of.it. I let it go and it was a very bad move.

You know what I think good moms do (and they all do it in different ways). I think a good mom will push her children, goad them on in life to achieve. And I don't think we all need to be SAHMs and I don't think we all need to be working moms either. And we sure don't need people telling us the best thing we can do for our children is deprive ourselves of our needs/dreams to care for them either.

I do think we ALL need to find that healthy medium for us. What works for me, certainly won't work for you and vice versa. I think we need to stop making moms feel as though staying home is the MOST important, end all be all to raising children. It isn't. Period.

I have spent nearly 7 years home with my kids and I have damn near gone crazy doing it. I have the utmost respect for those of you that love this sort of thing and being at home, all the time, with your children. I envy you in some odd manner, really I do. I'd like to be that way. I'd love to enjoy this role in my life; but, I am a mom and that is neither good, bad, nor indifferent--it simply is what it is.

What is incredibly cool is I have recently undergone psychological testing. I have learned I am NOT depressed, I am NOT bi-polar, I do not have OCD, and I do have ADD. I have learned, most importantly, why mothering is so very hard for me.

My brain is not wired to do it. I am not maternal. Not in the least stinking bit. There is a portion of testing that measures femininity, masculinity....I scored, uhhh, well, I might as well be Hulk Hogan because June Cleaver I AIN'T!

I am extremely removed from the maternal instinctive mannerisms that a woman would normally have. And, it was a HUGE relief to see why and be able to explain why I struggle like I do, doing what I do, every.single.day.

FINALLY, I can give myself a break and understand why I am the way I am in many aspects after receiving my feedback from the psych and not just in this one manner either but as a whole.

I am no longer guilty that I don't like being a SAHM. My hats are off to you ladies that do :)

I love my kids but I am my own person, as they are their own person. And, there is nothing wrong with that in my book.

Fat? Sick? Tired?

So, I used to be fat, sick and tired. Tired of being sick and tired of being fat and tired of being sick and tired and fat!

I started a weight loss journey in January 2012 and my health took a SUDDEN and RAPID nose dive. Then, I was very ill in May and could've died from what was happening to my body. I had family pictures done (at our old home church) in September---the first family pictures since the twins were 3 months old, and they are nearly 6 now. I saw the pictures and, quite literally, wanted to vomit.

I decided I'd make a change and two months later asked Shawn for the money to join the Kokomo YMCA's Holiday Trimmings Club for 6 weeks. The program is designed to help you NOT gain the average 7 lbs that it seems everyone gains over the holidays and help you start on the road to a healthy you.

Well, it worked for me. Yes, I have been sick along the way. Yes, I have missed sessions. Yes, I hav been so very sore I didn't know if I could keep going. Yes, I fight my fatness. BUT, I am winning. I have beaten fibromyalgia symptoms and beaten psoriatic arthritis pain too. I have not had medication since January when I had a WICKED case of diverticulitis that totally was AWFUL. I missed a lot of workouts in January, but I got right back up and started in again once I was healthy.

I work out for two hours on Tuesday and Thursdays doing Aqua Zumba followed by Zumba in the gym. Then Zumba in the gym on Sunday. I try to not miss these at all. I LOVE ZUMBA!!!!!! ( #zumba #zumbawhippedandlovingit ) And then I try to hit the treadmill as often as I can and actually completed a 5k in 30 minutes and I don't run in the traditional sense. I love to walk.

Oddly, and much to my surprise, my body is craving my workouts and I find that remarkable :)

So, without further adieu .....the proof is right here :)

*****disclaimer....this is not for accolades, it is my hope to inspire ONE person to change******

 "I will go before you and will level the mountains; I will break down gates of bronze and cut through bars of iron. I will give you hidden treasures, riches stored in secret places, so that you may know that I am the LORD, the God of Israel, who summons you by name." Isaiah 45:2-3 (NIV)

BRCA1 and BRCA2....love and death.

For those of you who just drop by here, you may not know this....my momma died nearly 19 years ago from breast cancer that metastasized to her brain at the age of just 37.

This year, I made the resolve to bite the bullet and get genetically tested to see if I carry the BRCA1 or BRCA2 gene mutation (a.k.a. the breast cancer gene). I am relieved to say I do not. I got my results today. There is a strong familial history of breast cancer as well as Ashkenazi Jewish heritage in my family which puts me at risk as well.

Now, while I am relieved...my heart is broken...it's like I needed to know that was what killed mom....and now, I still have no answers as to why she was so sick, so young. I was totally prepared to walk the same mile some of my friends have, and weirdly, maybe I'd even feel better if I had too.

The anxiety is gone but I am laden with some weird pain now, I don't really know how to describe it. Mom is still gone, nothing will change that....I guess it would just be easier to know she died so young because of mutant genes and not just "because".  ****logically, I know she could have had the mutation, but if I did, then it would have been concrete in my mind****

I know I am blessed and I am elated that I don't carry the mutation(s). But, this has hit me straight out of left field. All I can think is, "WHY????????"

Why mom?
Why not some one else?
Why my mom?
Why do my memories of her have to be clouded with sickness?
Why can I not remember fun-loving Chit like my Aunt Sue does?
Why her?
WHY THE HELL HER!!!!!!!!!!???????

Right now, I am just plan hurt, angry and sad. Mom is dead and we are just as baffled today, nearly 19 years later as we were the day she died and we didn't know what had killed her. I know what killed her, brain cancer did. I want to know why??? Old wounds don't heal, heartaches don't fade, longing to hear her voice never changes, wanting to see her with her grandbabies is ever present. I hate it. She'd be such a great, loving, fun, involved grandma.

CANCER CAN SUCK OFF.......I HATE YOU, CANCER!!!!!!!! YOU STOLE MY MOM. YOU STOLE MY BABIES GRANDMA. I PLAIN, FLAT OUT, HATE YOU. I HOPE ONE DAY MODERN MEDICINE KILLS YOU, CANCER, BECAUSE YOU DESERVE TO DIE.