I am going to be painfully honest here. I like when my children are apart from me, learning, growing, living, experiencing life. I like when I don't have them underfoot 24/7. Mothering is hard. Mothering is not, never has been, my first choice for me in life. I had children and I took the back, furthest back, barely warm, burner for myself. That's what good moms do, right?
Wrong. At least that's what I think. Wrong. And, I? I was nearly dead wrong. I let everything about me go. My mental state, my weight, my health...all.of.it. I let it go and it was a very bad move.
You know what I think good moms do (and they all do it in different ways). I think a good mom will push her children, goad them on in life to achieve. And I don't think we all need to be SAHMs and I don't think we all need to be working moms either. And we sure don't need people telling us the best thing we can do for our children is deprive ourselves of our needs/dreams to care for them either.
I do think we ALL need to find that healthy medium for us. What works for me, certainly won't work for you and vice versa. I think we need to stop making moms feel as though staying home is the MOST important, end all be all to raising children. It isn't. Period.
I have spent nearly 7 years home with my kids and I have damn near gone crazy doing it. I have the utmost respect for those of you that love this sort of thing and being at home, all the time, with your children. I envy you in some odd manner, really I do. I'd like to be that way. I'd love to enjoy this role in my life; but, I am a mom and that is neither good, bad, nor indifferent--it simply is what it is.
What is incredibly cool is I have recently undergone psychological testing. I have learned I am NOT depressed, I am NOT bi-polar, I do not have OCD, and I do have ADD. I have learned, most importantly, why mothering is so very hard for me.
My brain is not wired to do it. I am not maternal. Not in the least stinking bit. There is a portion of testing that measures femininity, masculinity....I scored, uhhh, well, I might as well be Hulk Hogan because June Cleaver I AIN'T!
I am extremely removed from the maternal instinctive mannerisms that a woman would normally have. And, it was a HUGE relief to see why and be able to explain why I struggle like I do, doing what I do, every.single.day.
FINALLY, I can give myself a break and understand why I am the way I am in many aspects after receiving my feedback from the psych and not just in this one manner either but as a whole.
I am no longer guilty that I don't like being a SAHM. My hats are off to you ladies that do :)
I love my kids but I am my own person, as they are their own person. And, there is nothing wrong with that in my book.
2 comments:
Still giggling over the Hulk Hogan. You are fabulous just as God created you. Thankful you got some answers that help you figure yourself out.
Amen to that! I agree with the 'schools-out-can't-wait-for-it-to- start-again' sentiment. I was the same way. LOVED being at home, but even more, I loved being at home... alone. :)
Glad you were able to put a name with it. Sometimes that can make all the difference!
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