Guilty? Or not?

The past few days on the Babycenter Down syndrome Support Board have been very interesting. Missy had started a discussion about how true you were with everyone else once you received the Down syndrome diagnosis for you child. Many woman, and fathers too, experience a gamut of emotions after learning. These emotions range from fear, to anger, to sadness, to denial, to depression, to anxiety, and even to grief. Grief for the loss of the child they had envisioned for themselves. It breaks my heart for so many people to experience such pain, either during their pregnancy or following the birth of a child with Down syndrome.

The course of this discussion on my beloved BC-DS board has lead to some very cathartic posting by women who dare to be painfully honest, baring their souls in complete safety, knowing they will not be judged. And then one momma asked a very pertinent question, she said, "I have an additional question...why do we beat ourselves up so bad for those dark, ugly feelings and those outlandish things we thought or said?  Why can't we just feel and say and just take it all at face value?"

She has a very good point, my response to her was this, "I think that is a great ponderance. I would imagine that some woman "beat" themselves up because the reactions they first had are NOT what we, as mothers, are "SUPPOSED" to have when we first see our kids.  And for those of us who had those negative thoughts were probably shocked for themselves that they could even feel those feelings for their own child."

"As a society, we women, are programmed that the perfect baby is nicely chubby, with rosey checks, a button nose, blue eyes, ten fingers, ten toes and for some women it even goes further and they are programmed (sometimes by themselves) that there is a perfect gender to have as well. And once that child is born, we fall in love instantly and everything is as rosy as that perfect child's cheeks.
No one, or for the majority of us--hardly anyone, teaches us that babies in all wondrous ways are perfect. No one teaches us that disabilities are perfectly natural. No one teaches us how to love and want that child born with that "imperfect" perfection. No one teaches us it is ok to be scared...scared shitless and ROCKED to our cores with fear. No one tells us it is ok not to feel instant LOVE for our children (whether disabled or not). And it is. These fears and disconnection are ok and normal in reasonable amounts. And for those moms who can now say, "I felt this, this, and some of this; and say, now I know it wasn't the end of the world. And I love my child with a fierceness that rocks my soul in a wonderful way", I applaude them all. They have  learned and are willing to share and show other moms they are not alone."

And that is why this group is fabulous. I am in the minority (I know of just a few more moms on here that are like I am in not having experienced the grief). And I am ok with that, the majority of us here have much better advice in this area than I do. Which is good, 'cause I am pretty windy!
See, I never experienced this grief, anger, or sadness.....at least not for Down syndrome. I am not superwoman, I am just as prone to my feelings as the next gal and when Joseph was diagnosed with Epilepsy it rocked my world. My own maternal grandmother died after having a seizure and smothering herself.  Therefore, I was fearful because of what I had been taught.

So, what do you think? Do you think our own teachings as a child affect how we first reacted to our child's diagnosis? Or do you think it is something else that is going on entirely?